Everest (2015)

A climbing expedition on Mt. Everest is devastated by a severe snow storm.

Directed by Baltasar Kormákur

Starring Jason Clarke, Josh Brolin, Jake Gyllenhaal 

Sorry folks, but I’m not going to spend too long on this and you’ll know why in a minute. I’m going to say it as no-one else apparently has the balls to. Perhaps it’s just me (wouldn’t be the first time) or did anyone else go and watch this and wonder just how long it would take for it to get going? I mean really, Cliffhanger had more going for it. Come back Sly, all is forgiven.

Honestly, I don’t really care about authenticity when it comes to climbing a big hill. I’m sure the fifty-five million dollars that were spent bringing this to my eyeballs was very wisely spent, crampon-wise, but if it hasn’t got some woman hanging over a chasm by her fingertips while our hero desperately struggles to stop her falling to what is certain death, then I’m out, frankly. If I wanted to watch a National Geographic IMAX experience about Everest, then I would have.

Except I didn’t, did I. And why didn’t I? Well, I wanted to be entertained and not educated. This was pitched as an ‘Action/Adventure’ feature. If I’d actually paid for this, I would have asked for my money back. Sure, it may have looked pretty, but let’s be honest, You or I could get as far as most of these foolhardy North Face consumer sheep and pull out our Galaxy S5 and made a movie that looked just as pretty and it wouldn’t have cost the price of one of Cristiano Ronaldo’s feet to achieve the same effect.

The script was awful and cliched, actually uncomfortably cringeworthy at times. I watched this with another movie enthusiast and we had a wager at what point someone would say “Because it’s there.” I lost by about twenty minutes (I am now one Hotdog lighter), but nonetheless, we both knew, very early on, that it was coming. It may have been introduced somewhat ironically, but I had high hopes prior to sitting down that this effort would be altogether above that nonsense. Not so, it seemed.

Gyllenhaal wasted. Jason Clarke too lightweight to carry it with any kind of kudos. Knightley was superfluous and her accent was completely ridiculous when she actually ended up on screen. Sam Worthington? Robin Wright? Was this what you signed up for? I think not. And the less said about the completely wasted Josh Brolin, the better.

No atmosphere, no thrills, no point. Just shitloads of snow.

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